WASHINGTON D.C. – Federal prosecutors unveiled their case against the YKK Group on Monday, calling the zipper giant “a lawless corporation on par with the largest, most dangerous crime syndicates of the last half-century.”  Exposing seventy-five years of alleged wrongdoing in the zipper business, including claims of murder, price fixing, racketeering, and exploitation, prosecutors say they are confident their case will result in dozens of  convictions. “We’re seeking nothing less than the total dissolution of the fastener underworld,” said Assistant District Attorney Wiley Gerhardt. “We hope to send a message: no one needs to fear these so-called ‘Z-men’  anymore.” Over two hundred witnesses are expected to testify for the state, including David “Hookless” Keller, the former YKK whistleblower who survived a car bombing during an investigation of child trafficking in the zipper trade.

CHELMSFORD, MA – An unidentified, shirtless man has run around Grace Park, like, eight times, local teenager Anthony “Tony” Schnerr reported Monday. Sitting in the park with friends David “Wicky” Newark and Deb Hudson, Schnerr pointed out the anonymous jogger after etching the word ‘shit’ into a picnic table. “Have you guys noticed this jogger guy?” Schnerr asked his small entourage. “He must be, like, training for a marathon or something. Seriously, eight times I’ve seen him go by.” Cackling in agreement, Newark and Hudson turned to watch the unidentified runner pass by a ninth time. “Dude, like, put a shirt on,” Newark said. “I’ll bet he gets off on stripping in public. He probably totally flashes school buses or something.” Following the seven minute discussion revolving around the jogger, the three meandered over to the duck pond where they encountered a rock shaped like a penis and a mallard that wouldn’t stop swimming like a retard.

BOISE, ID – Gathering in front of capitol buildings across the country on Tax Day, thousands of Tea Party identifiers expressed how pleased they were with median taxes nearing their lowest rates in nearly fifty years. “We can’t mire in reactionary protests. I think consistency is important when promoting small government principles,” said Boise resident and self-proclaimed Tea Party member Shannon Gibbs. “Low taxes are a sign that our elected officials do have regular citizens in mind. Now, if we can just cut all the waste out of Medicare and Social Security…” Other rally attendees agreed with Gibbs while echoing a commitment to smaller government and less federal intervention. “We shouldn’t be throwing money away on the drug war or a massive defense budget. We need to analyze, legalize, and scale back,” said Phil Klopky. “‘A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.’ Martin Luther King said that.” Among the party attendees, activists held a variety of signs celebrating the day and encouraging further small-government reform – Ban Selective Service, Legalize ALL Drugs, Get Old ‘Sodomy’ Laws Off the Books, and Gay or Straight – keep your hands off my marriage.

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Continuing a nearly two-decades long quest to explain the origin of life on Earth, evolutionary biologist Mark Lindenberg is searching for clues in his ex-girlfriend’s email inbox, sources reported Wednesday. Recently dumped after a 10-month relationship, Lindenberg reportedly resumed his scientific expedition late Saturday night. “Favorite pet? That’s your secret question? Jesus, Tammy,” Lindenberg muttered to himself while typing. “You’re such a blond.” The widely-published, 44-year old biologist began Saturday’s scientific process by consuming 1.5 bottles of Pinot Noir and deleting his ex-girlfriend’s comments from his Facebook wall. “Lemme see now – what do we got here,” Lindenberg slurred while studying the screen. “Lotta stuff from Winston McAuliffe. What the hell kinda name is ‘Winston’ anyway?”  The Nobel Prize runner-up and University of Chicago faculty member reportedly completed his search for clues pertaining to the origin of life at approximately 2:38 AM, when he passed out while providing several pornographic websites with his ex-girlfriend’s email address.

VATICAN CITY – Responding to criticism about the handling of sexual assault cases newly uncovered in Catholic churches across the globe, the Vatican said the evasive, anti-Semetic, dismissive, and odious comments certain clergy made over the weekend were “taken out of context.” Comparing the vocal criticism the church has lately been receiving to the widespread slaughter of Jews during the second World War, Rev. Raniero Cantalamessa later said his comments “were taken out of the context of a larger argument [wherein pedophiles - and not their young victims - were portrayed as a persecuted population].” Retired Italian bishop Giacomi Babini also clarified earlier statements – where he called criticism of the church a “Zionist attack” – by saying his presentation of a Jewish-led contingency aimed at disenfranchising a religious power structure historically riddled with cases of sexual assault and rape, complicity in said acts, and extensive conspiracy to hide evidence and harbor pedophiles was “meant to be ironic.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – For reasons unknown to nearly everyone involved in the project, musician/activist/author/actor Bob Geldof is slated to star in an upcoming Discovery Channel special on the theory of time travel. The man best known for his work organizing the famed Live Aid/Band Aid concerts, as well as his portrayal of “Pink” in Pink Floyd’s The Wall, is reportedly wrapping up work on the episode. “We’re very happy to have such a talented…err…person, for this episode of ‘Science Detectives,’” said Discovery spokesperson Martin Lucero. “Bob is a terrific choice for…playing…or portraying the role of H.G. Wells. No one else, I guess, could have been more fitting.” Added Lucero: “I mean, the guy was in The Boomtown Rats so, you know, he should be pretty good.” Geldof’s mystifying turn as the late 19th century science fiction author follows his recent, inexplicable role as a presenter at the J.D. Power Auto Awards show in March.

TOOELE, UT – After uncovering an “isolated masturbatory incident” on school property, officials at Tooele High School are worried the lascivious act may spawn copycat masturbators throughout the district. “The young man involved is getting help from family and mental health professionals,” said District Superintendent Ted Watanabe. “But we’re also trying to take preventative measures to guard against any copycat instances of…self abuse.” Watanabe revealed that comments threatening masturbation were found scrawled in several bathroom stalls throughout campus but did not say if any suspected onanists had been questioned. “We’re keeping our eyes peeled, obviously, but we need parents to be on their guard as well,” Watanabe said. “Long hours spent in the bathroom, calloused palms, balled-up gym socks tossed under the bed – these are all signs to be wary of.” The frightening episode of lewdness arrives just months after a wave of heavy petting swept through half the drama club on a trip to Salt Lake City.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Following a pair of disparate semifinal games over the weekend, NCAA fans were quick to voice their satisfaction and contentment with the job performed by the tournament referees. “The fouls called against the Spartans were entirely warranted and undeniably evenhanded,” Michigan State fan Paul Currin wrote on his basketball blog Sunday. “What a fair and rousing display of reffing prowess.” Indeed, in the forty-eight hours leading up to Monday night’s final between underdog Butler and powerhouse Duke, fans and sports columnists alike found time to heap accolades upon the referees. “[In this NCAA tournament] the only storyline more touching than Butler’s unexpected rise to glory, is the day-in and day-out narrative of these hard-working referees,” said Fox sports commentator Jason Whitlock. “Truly, there never has been a more equitable and upright task than the one they’ve dutifully performed for the last few weeks.” Succeeding the rush of good sportsmanship and amity, thousands of fans reportedly arrived at Lucas Oil Stadium early Monday morning to help paint signs and banners praising the referees of tonight’s game.

EDGAR, WI – In the midst of a particularly tiring trip to the recycling center, coffee shop, and grocery store, local senior Wayne Cutter, 74, made plans to take a nap when he returned home. “Boy,” Cutter said to himself as he walked down the cereal aisle, “I’ll tell ya – I’m just beat. I think I’ll head home after this and have myself a nice little nap on the daveno.” After purchasing $11.37 worth of grapefruit, raisins, buttermilk, oatmeal, and tin-roof-sundae flavored ice cream, the retired contractor reportedly left the store and slowly drove the twelve blocks home. “I don’t normally take naps during the week,” Cutter said as he shuffled from the carport to his front door. “Unless I’ve had trouble sleeping. But I usually sleep pretty well. Unless the wind really picks up.”  Putting the groceries away, the widowed father of three sank into his recliner and removed one shoe before leaning back his head and dozing off, mumbling quietly to himself: “I gotta cut that tree down sometime.”

PULASKI, TN – 4th grade teacher Irene Olmstead is set to match up her only two homosexual acquaintances in the next two weeks, the 43-year old reported Wednesday. “I think Brian and Thom will really hit it off,” Olmstead told a coworker on Wednesday morning. “They’re both so nice and neat and…you know, kinda quirky and fun.” Olmstead first hatched her match-making plan after randomly meeting her second local homosexual in a neighborhood wine club. “I work with Brian, who is just…a delight,” Olmstead recently told a friend. “And after I met Thom I thought: ‘Hello!’ This is just perfect. I can’t think of two people more fitted for each other.”  Olmstead intends to enact her scheme a week from Thursday by inviting her one homosexual coworker to join her and her other lone homosexual acquaintance at a weekly wine and book club meeting in a local bookstore. “I’m so excited,” Olmstead confessed. “If they end up hitting it off, just think, I’m gonna be the one who set up their first big meeting. I mean, what was the chance of them meeting without me?”