The Pith Report

Report: Most Second Amendment Supporters Kinda Assholes

joel — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 00:00:06 +0000

CHICAGO, IL – A decade-long report released Monday by the University of Chicago revealed a majority of Americans who identify as “vocal Second Amendment supporters” are kinda assholes. Proponents of the contentious Second Amendment, which protects a citizen’s right to keep and bear arms for self-defense, were revealed as overwhelmingly asshole-ish in nature, according to the study. “72% [of Second Amendment supporters] are assholes,” the report states, “while only 13% are little pricks, 8% are willingly ignorant, 5% are just fucking creepy, and 2% are active hunters.” The report arrives two weeks after a related study linked aggressive drivers to being really bad in bed.

Burning Phosphorous and Magnesium Delight Slack-jawed Onlookers

joel — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 03:22:53 +0000

RITZVILLE, WA – A pre-arranged burning of phosphorous and magnesium, which lit the night sky for nearly forty minutes, delighted a multitude of slack-jawed onlookers Monday. Gathering in a local park next to the fairgrounds, a crowd of approximately 2,000 people sat on blankets, ate, drank, and pointed at the burning barium chloride and strontium carbonate overhead. “The burning of cesium and rubidium was really spectacular this year,” said Ritzville resident Dana Halley. “I thought the end, where they mixed copper chloride with potassium nitrate, was the best I’ve ever seen.” Reports of other such convocations spanned the nation Monday, as yokels and kings alike congregated under the burning sodium and beryllium in parks, front yards, and backs of trucks.

Man Surprised To Find Himself Looking Forward to “The Bachelorette”

joel — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 18:45:24 +0000

LAVALLETTE, NJ – Local nurse Craig Parma was surprised on Monday to find himself anxiously awaiting that evening’s episode of “The Bachelorette.” Stretching out on the sofa before the latest installment began, Parma realized for perhaps the first time how much he eagerly anticipated his Monday ritual of take-out pasta while watching the match-making reality show. “I’m kinda rooting for either Chris or Ty,” Parma recalled himself saying Monday morning to a female coworker. “They both seem like really genuine guys, and you gotta feel for Chris with him losing his mom, you know?” Shocked to hear the words tumble from his mouth, Parma added: “I’m glad Kasey left last week before the rose ceremony – I just think he was too dramatic for Ali.” The sudden realization dawned on Parma after canceling a golf game with friends so he could catch the long-running show. “Justin and Ali were never a good fit,” Parma said, inexplicably, to an inquiring supervisor. “I was surprised he made it to the final eight in week six.” Asked to comment on the recent revelation, Parma hung his head and mumbled something about needing a hobby.

Study: Work Just, You Know, A Little Crazy This Week

joel — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 19:06:13 +0000

NEW YORK, NY – A study released on Monday by Columbia University has shown work to be, you know, just a little crazy this week. According to the study, American workers meant to get around to doing that one thing earlier in the week but haven’t had, like, five seconds of spare time. “Despite a number of reports showing decreased productivity in the workforce,” said economics author and editor Jeff Madrick, “this intriguing study has revealed that work has been really go go go this week.” Added Madrick: “I mean, just non-stop.” The breaking study also confirmed the absolutely crazy-busy week is set to continue into next week as well, citing ‘a lot of reasons, a lot of deadlines, you know it’s just that time of year, I guess.’ The report arrives a month after the publication of a related workplace study, wherein employees are still surprised so-and-so wasn’t fired after he did you know what.

Ohio Passes Bill Disallowing Sex Offenders On Public Pathways Near Outlet Malls Between the Hours of 10pm and 5am

joel — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 03:31:16 +0000

COLUMBUS, OH – Following the attempted abduction of a 17-year-old girl on a public pathway near an Eddie Bauer outlet store last spring, Ohio lawmakers passed a bill disallowing registered sex offenders on public pathways near outlet malls between the hours of 10:00pm and 5:00am. “With this specialized bill, Ohio is assuring the safety of all our residents while on nighttime walks near outlet malls,” said Senate President Bill Harris. “We’re sending a message: No longer will registered sex offenders be allowed access to our beloved pathways near outlet malls in the early morning hours.” The bill arrives on the heels of other distinctive legislation recently passed in states across the country, including California’s ban on handgun sales to single, unemployed men between the ages of 24 – 36 and Virginia’s proscription against elderly Richmond drivers coming to Hampton and crashing into a farmer’s market, killing two and injuring eight.

Inanimate Object Berated

joel — Mon, 24 May 2010 19:37:07 +0000

READING, PA – A 13-year-old reclining chair was reportedly berated and tortured for twenty-five minutes by Harvey Whipple, sources reported Monday. Apparently frustrated by the inanimate object’s unwillingness to fully recline, the elder Whipple spent much of the morning hurling epithets and insults at the piece of furniture. “What the hell is wrong with you?” Whipple asked the non-sentient La-Z-Boy he purchased in 1997. “Seriously, if your lever doesn’t even go all the way down, how the hell am I supposed to lean back? Just… fucking… work.” Fetching his toolbox, the divorced father of three inspected the mechanics of the inorganic chair while mumbling torturous refrains into the dusty corduroy cushion. “You like this? Huh? You want me to beat the hell out of you like this?” Whipple’s latest squabble arrives just two days after his last argument with a lifeless object, when he mocked a dresser drawer for ten minutes.

BP Looking Forward to Fucking Up Other Large Bodies of Water

joel — Tue, 18 May 2010 00:52:15 +0000

COVENTRY, UK – In a carefully timed press conference following a massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, BP officials revealed Monday they are anxious to move forward with plans to fuck up other large bodies of water. “In our continued pursuit of expensive, non-replenishable fuels, we’re eager to proceed with the widespread destruction of ecosystems,” said BP official Nathaniel Hoegarth, “in addition to the systematic fucking over of seas, oceans, lakes, rivers, and swamplands.” The announcement arrives only days after the global oil corporation enacted a controversial plan to drill beneath the Gulf of Mexico and haphazardly release millions of gallons of oil into the Pacific Ocean. “We’ve just been informed the oil slick in the Gulf is about 140 miles long by 80 miles wide,” Hoegarth said when pressed for details. “What can we say? Everything is going exactly as planned.” Officials at BP later released a statement relaying early reports of struggling marine life in the area of the slick, calling the sighting of oil-soaked otters “lovely news.”

Famous Person To Pen Tell-All

joel — Mon, 10 May 2010 19:27:57 +0000

NEW YORK, NY – A Book Publisher revealed plans today to release an upcoming tell-all penned by Famous Person this summer, with a reported advance topping the $_ million mark. Person, best known for his/her blank, has recently teased media outlets and late night hosts with a number of scandalous anecdotes about his/her time in the limelight. “We’re very excited about releasing Famous Person’s collection of memoirs and vignettes in the fall,” an A Book Publisher press release stated. “Mr./Mrs. Person’s unique insight into the world of placeholder is both riveting, humorous, witty, and unparalleled.” Celebrity pundits have been quick to prognosticate exactly what Person will reveal in the book, citing Recent Controversial Happening, past issues with drugs and alcohol, and his/her failed relationship with Other Famous Person.

Consumer Confidence Reaches Oh Shit That Coffee’s Hot

joel — Tue, 04 May 2010 03:17:04 +0000

BOSTON, MA – The Consumer Research Center released their newest report on consumer confidence Monday, revealing oh shit that coffee is fucking hot! The most recent addition to the Conference Board Consumer Confidence Index showed Jesus the fucking lid doesn’t even wanna stay on! “The newest findings reflect the increase in seriously, how fucking hot do they have to brew coffee?” said Conference Board Associate Director Davis Faulkner. “We’re also discovering that buying trends are skewing towards some kinda thermonuclear coffee pot in the back of every fucking McDonald’s?” The most recent report arrives on the heels of my fucking mouth feels like it’s bleeding. Added Faulkner: “With these results and our last numbers, it’s safe to say I think the goddamn skin is flaking off the roof of my mouth. Fuck.”

Prosecutor: YKK Zipper Monopoly Linked to Murder, Racketeering

joel — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 19:18:32 +0000

WASHINGTON D.C. – Federal prosecutors unveiled their case against the YKK Group on Monday, calling the zipper giant “a lawless corporation on par with the largest, most dangerous crime syndicates of the last half-century.” Exposing seventy-five years of alleged wrongdoing in the zipper business, including claims of murder, price fixing, racketeering, and exploitation, prosecutors say they are confident their case will result in dozens of convictions. “We’re seeking nothing less than the total dissolution of the fastener underworld,” said Assistant District Attorney Wiley Gerhardt. “We hope to send a message: no one needs to fear these so-called ‘Z-men’ anymore.” Over two hundred witnesses are expected to testify for the state, including David “Hookless” Keller, the former YKK whistleblower who survived a car bombing during an investigation of child trafficking in the zipper trade.