VIRGINIA BEACH, FL – Speaking Friday on his daily talk show, The 700 Club, evangelist Pat Robertson stated he is “really surprised [Venezuelan President] Hugo Chávez hasn’t been turned into a pillar of salt by now.” Known for his controversial stances, Robertson once suggested the United States assassinate Chávez, though he stopped short of calling for Biblical retribution akin to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. “I don’t get it,” Robertson mumbled while scratching his head, “I’ve prayed and prayed for it to happen and, you know, nothin’ doing.” Added Robertson: “What does a guy gotta do to get another guy turned into a pillar of salt these days?” No stranger to suspect causes, Robertson has in the past linked feminism to filicide, Hindus to demons, and Presbyterians to the Antichrist. “Maybe I’m not praying for the right type of smiting,” Robertson mused. “Maybe I should start praying for him [Chávez] to be attacked by a swarm of locusts or simply swallowed up by the earth. Or maybe he could be suddenly inflicted by insanity and just kill himself. Hm. That’s a thought.”

PYONGYANG – Appearing earlier today on the steps of the Kumsusan Memorial Palace in North Korea’s capital, Supreme Commander Kim Jong-il delighted a crowd of his constituents with a surprise boffo act. The 68-year-old man who had once been called one of the world’s “most mysterious leaders” wow-ed a gathering of 80,000 – 100,000 North Korean citizens with an hour of impromptu vaudeville. “Come one, come all to the bright lights of Kim Il-sung’s final resting place!” said the official press statement released by the totalitarian government. “Our Dear Leader: he sings, he dances, his path is paved with laughter! Come be enriched by his entertainment!” Dressed in a black leotard, a striped, fitted shirt, and white-face, the reigning dictator exploded onto stage with an old Michael Kidd routine before launching into medleys from The Band Wagon and Two By Two, before finally bringing down the house with a showstopping act of slapstick. In response to the unexpected showmanship by the General Secretary of the Workers’ Party of North Korea, the White House issued a typical, albiet revised, statement: “We are keeping a close eye on the acts, skits, and sketches of North Korea.”

NEW YORK, NY – Continuing their award-winning Faces of Punishment series, the History Channel will be airing a program titled ’100 Best Penal Colonies,’ the popular A&E affiliate announced Tuesday. “From Siberia to Tarrafal to Devil’s Island, we’re giving our viewers the opportunity to explore the world’s greatest penal colonies…without ever having to leave the living room!” said A&E President and CEO Abbe Raven. “We realized, about a year ago, there is a lot of contention over which penal colony is ‘the absolute best’ – and while this program isn’t meant to definitively answer that question, we do hope it will spark some lively debate.” Other top 100 penal colonies featured on the program include: Veenhuizen in The Netherlands, Maria Madre in Mexico, Sakhalin in Russia, Van Diemen’s in Australia, and Hijli in India. “I won’t reveal which colony we listed as number one,” Raven chuckled, “but I will tell you we had a pretty heated debate over the top three.” The History Channel will finish out their popular series next Sunday with back-to-back hour-long programs entitled ‘Superstars of Corporal Punishment’ and ‘S&M in the Bible.’

LOS ANGELES, CA – Harvey Levin is going on his second week of no sleep. A producer and editor for TMZ.com, Levin has struggled to keep up with the recent rash of celebrity deaths – the largest and most publicized being Michael Jackson’s – which has left the veteran reporter and many other journalists wondering: Who’s next? “They’re dropping like flies out there,” said a visibly disheveled Levin. “You know, we wanna be the first to break the next big, totally unexpected death but, honestly, it’s hard to know who’s about to go.” TMZ isn’t the only one waiting. In recent days, scores of new reporter teams and photo-journalists have set up camp outside of various celebrity homes, desperately hoping to be the first to report an unforeseen passing. “Every other news team already tails Courtney Love and Gary Busey and Amy Winehouse,” Levin said, “and that’s because people expect them to die at anytime. But what if [Bruce] Springsteen or Rick Warren or Megan Fox or Brad Pitt keel over? We’d love to be there but it’s just hard to predict.” [Full disclosure: As of press time, The Pith Report is the only news organization to report Barbra Streisand's untimely passing on Monday morning].

GRANGER, IA – Millions of fans already mourning the loss of Michael Jackson were stunned to discover  Chuck Vanderhoven, an Iowa-based systems analyst, had bought the rights to the ‘King of Pop’ moniker two days before the Motown legend’s sudden demise. “I was just searching eBay on my lunchbreak, like I normally do,” said 34-year-old Vanderhoven, “when I came across an ‘R. Branson,’ who was selling the rights to Michael Jackson’s nickname.” Added Vanderhoven: “At $99, I couldn’t pass it up.” Satisified with his purchase, Vanderhoven suddenly found himself the owner of an extremely rare commodity, which experts have valued at $15-20 million after the pop star’s untimely death. “Every time someone uses the ‘King of Pop’ label, I’m supposed to get a $1.50 or something,” Vanderhoven said, “my lawyers are still working out the details. And we’ve been contacted by a ‘P. McCartney’ about buying the rights for $1 million. So it’s kinda exciting.”

WASHINGTON D.C. – Speaking with a level of ambiguity typically reserved for non-involved teenagers and apolitical neophytes, President Obama today urged ‘some sort of good resolution’ for ‘all the stuff going on in Iran.’ Recently pressed to issue a statement regarding the violent demonstrations in the Middle East nation, following a controversial election fraught with allegations of voter fraud, Obama dubbed the volatile situation ‘interesting’ and ‘kinda weird.’ “Rest assured, the President is very closely following the events in Iran,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said during a news briefing later in the day. “He’s strongly urging everyone to chill out and just, you know, stop being so dramatic.” Gibbs refused to elaborate on the official statement by the President, though he did assure the press that the administration wouldn’t take sides. “I’m not saying we support the current Iranian government or the opposition party or the protesters,” Gibbs said, “they all make good points. I mean, I don’t think it’s asking too much for everyone to find some common ground.” Republican leaders slammed the President’s statement, calling the speech ‘pretty lame’ and ‘typical of an administration which, like, totally placates fascists.’

CUPERTINO, CA – Appearing today at an impromptu press conference after months of rumors and speculation about his health, Apple CEO Steve Jobs showcased a sleeker, slimmer, more simplified version of himself. Jobs silenced the excitable crowd by holding a finger to his lips, one of the two remaining on his left hand. “As you can see, a few things have changed,” Jobs told a chuckling audience. “For starters, we’ve removed three fingers from my left hand and added one to my right hand.” Explained Jobs: “With the human body, just like the iPod or the MacBook, we’ve discovered simpler is smarter.” Halfway through the presentation, Jobs floated from behind his podium to reveal a modified Segway scooter, which had replaced his excised legs. The unveiling prompted cheers from the crowd. “I’m blown away – Apple never ceases to amaze me,” said tech writer Kyle Bosk. “I’m just hoping we see it in stores before the holiday season.” Attempting to head off the usual slew of criticisms, Jobs finished by saying: “We’re not trying to play God. We’re just improving on his design.”

MINGORA, PAKISTAN – Locals are abuzz with the recent declaration of the Swat valley as the ‘Best New Place to Live’ for the radical misogynist demographic. Published in Akhbar-e-Jehan, the nation’s best-selling weekly magazine, the list included items like ‘Best Places to Day-Hike’ and ‘Best Roadside Shawarma Wrap.’ “In years past, this label had been outsourced [and] applied to places like Saudi Arabia or Syria,” said journalist Ahmed Elahi, “but now, with the sudden Taliban presence in the Swat region, we’re seeing a veritable paradise bloom for the misogynist, wifebeater set.” Added Elahi: “If you don’t want your daughters to get an education, the Swat valley is the place for you.” Once a popular destination for international tourism and domestic vacationing, the Swat valley was captured by Taliban forces in late 2008, leading to the hot spot being called ‘ground zero for burqa shopping.’ When asked to comment on the magazine article, leader of the Taliban insurgency Maulana Fazlullah said he was ‘surprised’ and ‘humbled’ and ordered a grammar school burned to the ground in celebration.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Speaking Monday at an impromptu news conference, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs assured the citizens and government of Iraq: “Don’t worry, baby, we’ll pull out.” Making his announcement over a slow, thumping bass lick, Gibbs spoke tenderly of the United States’ plan to ‘take it slow and safe.’ “Baby, Iraq, you know you our baby. You know we take of you,” crooned Gibbs. “We would never ever do anything to hurt you. And we want you to know: even though this ain’t your first US-led incursion, we gonna treat it like it is.” Media correspondents pressed Gibbs for more detailed plans on the US-Iraq conflict, including a timetable for withdrawal. “Details? Baby, there ain’t no timetable for how long it gonna be,” replied Gibbs. “There is no graph, no equation, no algebra or abacus for the things we’ll experience together. No higher highs or drrty, drrty lows will you find than what we have planned.” Added Gibbs: “We’re not the type to slip out the backdoor after we done with our insurrection. Baby, we wanna hold you, cook you breakfast, and meet your mother.” Top Republican strategists and conservative pundits alike slammed the press conference, labeling it ‘a bunch of demoralizing jive talk.’

WASHINGTON D.C. – Bo, the newest member of the Obama family, recently shit the Oval Office rug, it was reported Friday. The seven-month-old Portuguese Water Dog, who made his national debut in April, reportedly circled a leather ottoman three times, briefly sniffed a stack of Senate bills, and proceeded to shit the Oval Office rug. “It all began right after he showed up,” admitted an unnamed executive page. “First, he started shitting his little dog bed and then he moved on to shitting other people’s beds. So far, he’s shit the State Dining Room, the Executive Washroom, and the Lincoln Bedroom.” Another White House staff member reported seeing Bo shit the feet of Finland President Tarja Halonen, though the claim remains unconfirmed. “I’ll tell you this,” said an anonymous White House source, “if that furry little bastard isn’t stopped, he’s gonna shit a peace treaty or a ruin a state dinner. Then where are we gonna be?” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the administration had no comment on the ‘various, unsubstantiated rumors regarding Bo [shitting the White House].’