COVENTRY, UK – In a carefully timed press conference following a massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, BP officials revealed Monday they are anxious to move forward with plans to fuck up other large bodies of water. “In our continued pursuit of expensive, non-replenishable fuels, we’re eager to proceed with the widespread destruction of ecosystems,” said BP official Nathaniel Hoegarth, “in addition to the systematic fucking over of seas, oceans, lakes, rivers, and swamplands.”  The announcement arrives only days after the global oil corporation enacted a controversial plan to drill beneath the Gulf of Mexico and haphazardly release millions of gallons of oil into the Pacific Ocean. “We’ve just been informed the oil slick in the Gulf is about 140 miles long by 80 miles wide,” Hoegarth said when pressed for details. “What can we say? Everything is going exactly as planned.” Officials at BP later released a statement relaying early reports of struggling marine life in the area of the slick, calling the sighting of oil-soaked otters  “lovely news.”

WASHINGTON D.C. – Federal prosecutors unveiled their case against the YKK Group on Monday, calling the zipper giant “a lawless corporation on par with the largest, most dangerous crime syndicates of the last half-century.”  Exposing seventy-five years of alleged wrongdoing in the zipper business, including claims of murder, price fixing, racketeering, and exploitation, prosecutors say they are confident their case will result in dozens of  convictions. “We’re seeking nothing less than the total dissolution of the fastener underworld,” said Assistant District Attorney Wiley Gerhardt. “We hope to send a message: no one needs to fear these so-called ‘Z-men’  anymore.” Over two hundred witnesses are expected to testify for the state, including David “Hookless” Keller, the former YKK whistleblower who survived a car bombing during an investigation of child trafficking in the zipper trade.

VATICAN CITY – Responding to criticism about the handling of sexual assault cases newly uncovered in Catholic churches across the globe, the Vatican said the evasive, anti-Semetic, dismissive, and odious comments certain clergy made over the weekend were “taken out of context.” Comparing the vocal criticism the church has lately been receiving to the widespread slaughter of Jews during the second World War, Rev. Raniero Cantalamessa later said his comments “were taken out of the context of a larger argument [wherein pedophiles - and not their young victims - were portrayed as a persecuted population].” Retired Italian bishop Giacomi Babini also clarified earlier statements – where he called criticism of the church a “Zionist attack” – by saying his presentation of a Jewish-led contingency aimed at disenfranchising a religious power structure historically riddled with cases of sexual assault and rape, complicity in said acts, and extensive conspiracy to hide evidence and harbor pedophiles was “meant to be ironic.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – For reasons unknown to nearly everyone involved in the project, musician/activist/author/actor Bob Geldof is slated to star in an upcoming Discovery Channel special on the theory of time travel. The man best known for his work organizing the famed Live Aid/Band Aid concerts, as well as his portrayal of “Pink” in Pink Floyd’s The Wall, is reportedly wrapping up work on the episode. “We’re very happy to have such a talented…err…person, for this episode of ‘Science Detectives,’” said Discovery spokesperson Martin Lucero. “Bob is a terrific choice for…playing…or portraying the role of H.G. Wells. No one else, I guess, could have been more fitting.” Added Lucero: “I mean, the guy was in The Boomtown Rats so, you know, he should be pretty good.” Geldof’s mystifying turn as the late 19th century science fiction author follows his recent, inexplicable role as a presenter at the J.D. Power Auto Awards show in March.

HALIFAX, NOVA SCOTIA – Less than twenty-four hours after shooting the game winning goal in Vancouver’s Olympic hockey final, Sidney Crosby returned to his humble construction job in the Nova Scotia town he’s called home for twenty-two years. Upon arriving at the worksite, Crosby was congratulated for his participation in one of the greatest hockey games ever played before being told to unload a pile of bricks from a nearby flatbed. “Quite a game, Cros,” foreman David Hapsberg said. “Remember you still got those countertops piled up the basement – they’re not gonna move themselves.” The young Canadian, once called ‘The Next One’ for his similarities to the great Wayne Gretzky, spent much of Monday getting ribbed by his fellow coworkers. “Hey, kid,” said 42-year old laborer Mark Fevour, “don’t go getting a big head just cuz’ you made one little goal in overtime. You still can’t back up that scissor lift worth shit.” Later in the afternoon, Crosby returned from the porta-potty to find several of his coworkers playing an impromptu game of hockey with his gold medal, which he had hidden in his lunch pail.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Spencer Pratt is really glad to see this whole Haiti thing is beginning to die down, the reality star announced Monday. “You know, something like this happens, like some earthquake or tornado or something, and all of a sudden it’s all everyone wants to talk about,” the 26-year old star of The Hills told reporters. “And then all off Hollywood gets in on it and everyone’s asking if you’ve donated to the cause or texted ‘save Haiti’ to 5556 or something. God, it’s like, okay, yeah great, let’s move on.” Added Pratt: “And it’s not really their business what I do with my money.” Pratt then drifted away from the earthquake in Haiti and talked about wife Heidi Montag’s recent plastic surgery overhaul – “Seriously, who doesn’t wanna be married to a Barbie doll?” – his creation of a new record company – “People don’t give me credit but I’m fairly business-savvy” – and Montag’s debut pop album. When asked by reporters if he considered at least participating in any of the numerous Hollywood benefits for Haitian disaster relief, Pratt responded: “The wait is over. You can now buy Superficial on iTunes.”

CHICAGO, IL – A twenty-year study published by the University of Chicago on Wednesday reveals a surprising link between exposure to classical music in infancy and erectile dysfunction in later life. “It would appear the rising trend in parents playing classical music for their baby or toddler has directly led to rising cases of erectile dysfunction,” said behavioral psychologist Martin Showalter. “The sale of drugs used to treat ED, like Viagra and Cialis, has spiked 900% in the last twelve years. We always knew there had to be a culprit – I guess listening to Mozart or Beethoven before the age of three is the smoking gun.” The study is the second published this year linking a particularly hands-on parenting style to sexual dysfunction in middle age. “The results of this study surprise me even more than the last, where we found a link between kids who are dropped off at school every day and overt klismaphilia in later life.”

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – Gathering in front of the Beverly Hills mansion the celebrity couple called home for two years, thousands of mourners honored the five-year anniversary of the Pitt-Aniston disaster on Monday. Hundreds of flowers, cards, and pictures decorated the front gate as a speaker read the names of the two affected and observed a moment of silence for each. “Five years ago today, I was just picking up my kids from daycare when I heard the news,” said Akron, Ohio resident, Arianna Stotts. “I just couldn’t believe it at first – it was like a bad dream.” Added Stotts: “Oh, and I remember I had just watched The Good Girl a few nights before. So sad.” Mourners drove or flew in from every part of the country for the ceremony, including one couple from Rochester, New York, who brought their two sons and baby daughters. “I think it’s important to honor the memory of those lost,” said Ted Muncey. “You can watch that Friends episode with Brad and Jen as much as you want, but it won’t bring them back together. We must never forget.”

NEW YORK, NY – I don’t know why everyone gets so fussy over a book. People are always fussy over books. But they don’t like to be called fussy. Every time some author writes a crumby book, people think they can identify with the goddamn character. Identify. That kills me. There was this one girl I knew – Wanda Miller – I used to play croquet with her in her parents’ backyard in the summertime. Old Wanda was pretty but she wasn’t too pretty. We didn’t ever get sexy with each other or anything. Anyway, it was hot as a bastard one day and we were sitting and drinking lemonade on the porch and she read me this part of a book about some old woman who was stuck in the goddamn desert or something. Then she just started crying, out of the clear blue. I didn’t know what to do so I sort of pressed her hands into my chest. Just to comfort her. I was half in love with her to tell you the truth. But she kept crying and blubbering about the woman in the book and the author, who had gotten himself killed or some goddamn thing. People always get themselves killed. It makes me wanna jump out a window. I probably would to, if a bunch of phonies hadn’t already done it. I probably shouldn’t say that. Sometimes I say too much. Don’t ever say anything to anybody. It just ruins everything.

VIRGINIA BEACH, FL – Speaking Friday on his daily talk show, The 700 Club, evangelist Pat Robertson stated he is “really surprised [Venezuelan President] Hugo Chávez hasn’t been turned into a pillar of salt by now.” Known for his controversial stances, Robertson once suggested the United States assassinate Chávez, though he stopped short of calling for Biblical retribution akin to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. “I don’t get it,” Robertson mumbled while scratching his head, “I’ve prayed and prayed for it to happen and, you know, nothin’ doing.” Added Robertson: “What does a guy gotta do to get another guy turned into a pillar of salt these days?” No stranger to suspect causes, Robertson has in the past linked feminism to filicide, Hindus to demons, and Presbyterians to the Antichrist. “Maybe I’m not praying for the right type of smiting,” Robertson mused. “Maybe I should start praying for him [Chávez] to be attacked by a swarm of locusts or simply swallowed up by the earth. Or maybe he could be suddenly inflicted by insanity and just kill himself. Hm. That’s a thought.”