TOOELE, UT – After uncovering an “isolated masturbatory incident” on school property, officials at Tooele High School are worried the lascivious act may spawn copycat masturbators throughout the district. “The young man involved is getting help from family and mental health professionals,” said District Superintendent Ted Watanabe. “But we’re also trying to take preventative measures to guard against any copycat instances of…self abuse.” Watanabe revealed that comments threatening masturbation were found scrawled in several bathroom stalls throughout campus but did not say if any suspected onanists had been questioned. “We’re keeping our eyes peeled, obviously, but we need parents to be on their guard as well,” Watanabe said. “Long hours spent in the bathroom, calloused palms, balled-up gym socks tossed under the bed – these are all signs to be wary of.” The frightening episode of lewdness arrives just months after a wave of heavy petting swept through half the drama club on a trip to Salt Lake City.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Following a pair of disparate semifinal games over the weekend, NCAA fans were quick to voice their satisfaction and contentment with the job performed by the tournament referees. “The fouls called against the Spartans were entirely warranted and undeniably evenhanded,” Michigan State fan Paul Currin wrote on his basketball blog Sunday. “What a fair and rousing display of reffing prowess.” Indeed, in the forty-eight hours leading up to Monday night’s final between underdog Butler and powerhouse Duke, fans and sports columnists alike found time to heap accolades upon the referees. “[In this NCAA tournament] the only storyline more touching than Butler’s unexpected rise to glory, is the day-in and day-out narrative of these hard-working referees,” said Fox sports commentator Jason Whitlock. “Truly, there never has been a more equitable and upright task than the one they’ve dutifully performed for the last few weeks.” Succeeding the rush of good sportsmanship and amity, thousands of fans reportedly arrived at Lucas Oil Stadium early Monday morning to help paint signs and banners praising the referees of tonight’s game.

WASHINGTON D.C. – In yet another case of foot-in-mouth syndrome, Vice President Biden was caught on camera Monday saying he liked the 1988 Chevy Chase flop “Funny Farm.” Not realizing his microphone was already turned on, Biden uttered the FF-word before a town hall meeting in Nashua, New Hampshire while chatting with a city comptroller. “I love Chevy. Chevy can do no wrong,” Biden was recorded saying. “I don’t care what people say – I liked ‘Funny Farm.’ I thought it was effin hilarious.” There was an audible gasp from those in the nearly-full auditorium who heard the faux pas and several individuals abruptly left the room before the meeting began. The White House, however, defended Biden less than six hours after the slip-up. “Well, we know we can count on the Vice President for his…candor,” Press Secretary Robert Gibbs wrote on the official White House blog. “We all say things we wish we could take back.” The verbal blunder arrives less than two weeks after Biden was caught humming the melody to Cher’s “Believe” after a caucus meeting.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the landmark passage of a sweeping healthcare reform bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi celebrated her party’s victory with some brief, low-level treason, sources reported Wednesday. Washington insiders say Pelosi was seen smoking a Cuban cigar while faxing classified documents to the North Korean consulate and mailing a death threat to Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. “The healthcare reform bill’s passage is one of the most significant pieces of legislation from the last forty years,” said a White House spokesperson. “I think we can expect a little celebrating. Give [Pelosi] a break.” The news of Pelosi’s treasonous bender arrives on the heels of numerous reports of wildly celebrating Democrats, most notably Harry Reid’s public urination around the capitol over the past thirty-six hours.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Continuing the recent trend of rebooting popular film franchises, Warner Bros. is in talks to remake Deliverance, the 1972 thriller based upon James Dickey’s book about a whitewater trip gone awry. Actors Ashton Kutcher and Jimmy Fallon have reportedly signed on to play Lewis and Ed, the roles Burt Reynolds and Jon Voight respectively portrayed in the earlier movie adaptation. “We’re excited at the prospect of bringing Dickey’s story to the screen again,” said Warner Bros. publicist Ewan Boucher. “It’ll be a delight to introduce this exciting tale to a new generation of young film-goers.” Rounding out the proposed cast is Luke Wilson as the bookish Drew and Elijah Wood as Bobby, the character who suffers a sexual-assault from a backwoods stranger, thereby kicking off the trip’s nightmare events. “We’re interested in further exploring the characters’ backstory and later consequences,” Boucher said. “Everyone on board is committed to a Deliverance trilogy, with the possibility of more films if desired.” Indie darling Kevin Smith has also been mentioned as a possible director, though the reports remain unconfirmed.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Marking the third week of Ford Truck Month, the White House honored the 1987 F-150 pickup Monday during a classic Ford car show on the North Lawn. The car show, “High Performance at the White House: A Celebration of Full-Size Pickup Trucks,” bestowed its brightest spotlight upon the eighth generation of the popular F-series, which introduced a number of improvements including standard rear anti-lock breaks and a fuel-injection system. “Even when times were tight, Ford trucks remained reliable and strong,” said President Obama. “The best-selling F-150 is celebrated for lifting the spirits of American auto consumers throughout the years.” Broadcaster Hugh Downs served as master of ceremonies for the event, which featured a pickup from each F-series generation, classic cargo vehicles from Ford’s heavy truck division, and a hayride around the White House grounds on a restored 1957 Ebro delivery truck. The car show was the third of four White House events honoring Ford Truck Month with the final function, an amateur truck rally hosted by country singer Toby Keith, scheduled for next Saturday on the South Lawn.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Vice President Biden is finally getting around to cleaning out the White House garage, state officials reported Monday. Facing a lull between his recent visit to Canada to mark the opening of the Winter Olympic Games and an upcoming trip to Haiti, Biden decided to tackle his long-delayed garage project. “I guess I should probably get a few piles going,” Biden muttered while surveying the cluttered room, “stuff to throw away, stuff to keep, stuff to drop off at Goodwill.” Biden reportedly rolled up his flannel shirt and spent the next four-and-a-half hours digging through the odd and ends that had amassed in the White House garage over the past 210 years. “Why in God’s name do we even have this?” Biden said while examining a steering wheel off a Model-T. “Junk. Oh! So that’s where those golf clubs are!” The Vice President reportedly quit work on the project after declaring it ‘Keystone time’ at 3:30, leaving three large piles of car parts, tools, scraps of wood, sports equipment, and detritus in the middle of the largely-untouched garage.

MADISON, WI – Susan Dahl, feminist blogger and regular contributor to The Daily Page, has a really complicated reason for liking “Sex and the City,” sources reported Friday. Asked to write an article about the upcoming release of the second SATC film, Dahl threw herself wholeheartedly into the complicated task of explaining why the HBO series is an undeniable success for feminism. “[SATC] is littered with progressive cultural signifiers, though they often lay buried under negative stereotypes,” Dahl wrote on her blog. “Critics deride Carrie for her empty materialism, altogether ignoring her celebration of a million shattered glass ceilings. Likewise, the common charge of promiscuity, leveled at nearly every character, is merely a puritanical pot shot aimed at the success of the pro-choice movement.” Yet many friends and colleagues close to Dahl remain skeptical of her reasoning. “Carrie Bradshaw as a feminist icon?” fellow writer Beth Tambor said. “Please. She could spent twice the time and money on women’s rights and pro-choice activism as she does on men, shoes, and her ego but she still wouldn’t be a role model.” Added Tambor: “I actually enjoy the show but let’s just call it what it is: an upper crust, soft-core shoe porn soap opera written by two gay men.”

CHESTERFIELD, VA – Republican challenger Scott Browneye was recently elected Massivetwoshits Senator, teenager Darryl Hinkler reported Wednesday. Fulfilling his CWA assignment to write a paragraph on a current world affair, Hinkler chose to report on the special erection to fill Edward Kennedy’s vacant Senate seat. “Browneye is best known for being a moderate Republican and a nude model for Cosmo in the eighties,” Hinkler wrote. “Browneye upset the Democratic nominee, Martha ‘Big’ Cockley, who was expected to easily win the Senate seat but didn’t.” Hinkler finished the short news update by surmising how this development may affect the ongoing health care mass-debate. Wednesday’s report was only the third CWA assignment Hinkler had successfully completed, following a “Teabaggers Take Over Washington” update in October and a “Northeast Gets Hit With Money Shot of Snow” report in January.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Spencer Pratt is really glad to see this whole Haiti thing is beginning to die down, the reality star announced Monday. “You know, something like this happens, like some earthquake or tornado or something, and all of a sudden it’s all everyone wants to talk about,” the 26-year old star of The Hills told reporters. “And then all off Hollywood gets in on it and everyone’s asking if you’ve donated to the cause or texted ‘save Haiti’ to 5556 or something. God, it’s like, okay, yeah great, let’s move on.” Added Pratt: “And it’s not really their business what I do with my money.” Pratt then drifted away from the earthquake in Haiti and talked about wife Heidi Montag’s recent plastic surgery overhaul – “Seriously, who doesn’t wanna be married to a Barbie doll?” – his creation of a new record company – “People don’t give me credit but I’m fairly business-savvy” – and Montag’s debut pop album. When asked by reporters if he considered at least participating in any of the numerous Hollywood benefits for Haitian disaster relief, Pratt responded: “The wait is over. You can now buy Superficial on iTunes.”