CHICAGO, IL – A decade-long report released Monday by the University of Chicago revealed a majority of Americans who identify as “vocal Second Amendment supporters” are kinda assholes. Proponents of the contentious Second Amendment, which protects a citizen’s right to keep and bear arms for self-defense, were revealed as overwhelmingly asshole-ish in nature, according to the study. “72% [of Second Amendment supporters] are assholes,” the report states, “while only 13% are little pricks, 8% are willingly ignorant, 5% are just fucking creepy, and 2% are active hunters.” The report arrives two weeks after a related study linked aggressive drivers to being really bad in bed.

RITZVILLE, WA – A pre-arranged burning of phosphorous and magnesium, which lit the night sky for nearly forty minutes, delighted a multitude of slack-jawed onlookers Monday. Gathering in a local park next to the fairgrounds, a crowd of approximately 2,000 people sat on blankets, ate, drank, and pointed at the burning barium chloride and strontium carbonate overhead. “The burning of cesium and rubidium was really spectacular this year,” said Ritzville resident Dana Halley. “I thought the end, where they mixed copper chloride with potassium nitrate, was the best I’ve ever seen.” Reports of other such convocations spanned the nation Monday, as yokels and kings alike congregated under the burning sodium and beryllium in parks, front yards, and backs of trucks.

NEW YORK, NY – A study released on Monday by Columbia University has shown work to be, you know, just a little crazy this week. According to the study, American workers meant to get around to doing that one thing earlier in the week but haven’t had, like, five seconds of spare time. “Despite a number of reports showing decreased productivity in the workforce,” said economics author and editor Jeff Madrick, “this intriguing study has revealed that work has been really go go go this week.” Added Madrick: “I mean, just non-stop.” The breaking study also confirmed the absolutely crazy-busy week is set to continue into next week as well, citing ‘a lot of reasons, a lot of deadlines, you know it’s just that time of year, I guess.’ The report arrives a month after the publication of a related workplace study, wherein employees are still surprised so-and-so wasn’t fired after he did you know what.

COLUMBUS, OH – Following the attempted abduction of a 17-year-old girl on a public pathway near an Eddie Bauer outlet store last spring, Ohio lawmakers passed a bill disallowing registered sex offenders on public pathways near outlet malls between the hours of 10:00pm and 5:00am. “With this specialized bill, Ohio is assuring the safety of all our residents while on nighttime walks near outlet malls,” said Senate President Bill Harris. “We’re sending a message: No longer will registered sex offenders be allowed access to our beloved pathways near outlet malls in the early morning hours.” The bill arrives on the heels of other distinctive legislation recently passed in states across the country, including California’s ban on handgun sales to single, unemployed men between the ages of 24 – 36 and Virginia’s proscription against elderly Richmond drivers coming to Hampton and crashing into a farmer’s market, killing two and injuring eight.

NEW YORK, NY – A Book Publisher revealed plans today to release an upcoming tell-all penned by Famous Person this summer, with a reported advance topping the $_ million mark. Person, best known for his/her blank, has recently teased media outlets and late night hosts with a number of scandalous anecdotes about his/her time in the limelight. “We’re very excited about releasing Famous Person’s collection of memoirs and vignettes in the fall,” an A Book Publisher press release stated. “Mr./Mrs. Person’s unique insight into the world of placeholder is both riveting, humorous, witty, and unparalleled.” Celebrity pundits have been quick to prognosticate exactly what Person will reveal in the book, citing Recent Controversial Happening, past issues with drugs and alcohol, and his/her failed relationship with Other Famous Person.

BOSTON, MA – The Consumer Research Center released their newest report on consumer confidence Monday, revealing oh shit that coffee is fucking hot! The most recent addition to the Conference Board Consumer Confidence Index showed Jesus the fucking lid doesn’t even wanna stay on! “The newest findings reflect the increase in seriously, how fucking hot do they have to brew coffee?” said Conference Board Associate Director Davis Faulkner. “We’re also discovering that buying trends are skewing towards some kinda thermonuclear coffee pot in the back of every fucking McDonald’s?” The most recent report arrives on the heels of my fucking mouth feels like it’s bleeding. Added Faulkner: “With these results and our last numbers, it’s safe to say I think the goddamn skin is flaking off the roof of my mouth. Fuck.”

WASHINGTON D.C. – Federal prosecutors unveiled their case against the YKK Group on Monday, calling the zipper giant “a lawless corporation on par with the largest, most dangerous crime syndicates of the last half-century.”  Exposing seventy-five years of alleged wrongdoing in the zipper business, including claims of murder, price fixing, racketeering, and exploitation, prosecutors say they are confident their case will result in dozens of  convictions. “We’re seeking nothing less than the total dissolution of the fastener underworld,” said Assistant District Attorney Wiley Gerhardt. “We hope to send a message: no one needs to fear these so-called ‘Z-men’  anymore.” Over two hundred witnesses are expected to testify for the state, including David “Hookless” Keller, the former YKK whistleblower who survived a car bombing during an investigation of child trafficking in the zipper trade.

BOISE, ID – Gathering in front of capitol buildings across the country on Tax Day, thousands of Tea Party identifiers expressed how pleased they were with median taxes nearing their lowest rates in nearly fifty years. “We can’t mire in reactionary protests. I think consistency is important when promoting small government principles,” said Boise resident and self-proclaimed Tea Party member Shannon Gibbs. “Low taxes are a sign that our elected officials do have regular citizens in mind. Now, if we can just cut all the waste out of Medicare and Social Security…” Other rally attendees agreed with Gibbs while echoing a commitment to smaller government and less federal intervention. “We shouldn’t be throwing money away on the drug war or a massive defense budget. We need to analyze, legalize, and scale back,” said Phil Klopky. “‘A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.’ Martin Luther King said that.” Among the party attendees, activists held a variety of signs celebrating the day and encouraging further small-government reform – Ban Selective Service, Legalize ALL Drugs, Get Old ‘Sodomy’ Laws Off the Books, and Gay or Straight – keep your hands off my marriage.

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Continuing a nearly two-decades long quest to explain the origin of life on Earth, evolutionary biologist Mark Lindenberg is searching for clues in his ex-girlfriend’s email inbox, sources reported Wednesday. Recently dumped after a 10-month relationship, Lindenberg reportedly resumed his scientific expedition late Saturday night. “Favorite pet? That’s your secret question? Jesus, Tammy,” Lindenberg muttered to himself while typing. “You’re such a blond.” The widely-published, 44-year old biologist began Saturday’s scientific process by consuming 1.5 bottles of Pinot Noir and deleting his ex-girlfriend’s comments from his Facebook wall. “Lemme see now – what do we got here,” Lindenberg slurred while studying the screen. “Lotta stuff from Winston McAuliffe. What the hell kinda name is ‘Winston’ anyway?”  The Nobel Prize runner-up and University of Chicago faculty member reportedly completed his search for clues pertaining to the origin of life at approximately 2:38 AM, when he passed out while providing several pornographic websites with his ex-girlfriend’s email address.

LOS ANGELES, CA – For reasons unknown to nearly everyone involved in the project, musician/activist/author/actor Bob Geldof is slated to star in an upcoming Discovery Channel special on the theory of time travel. The man best known for his work organizing the famed Live Aid/Band Aid concerts, as well as his portrayal of “Pink” in Pink Floyd’s The Wall, is reportedly wrapping up work on the episode. “We’re very happy to have such a talented…err…person, for this episode of ‘Science Detectives,’” said Discovery spokesperson Martin Lucero. “Bob is a terrific choice for…playing…or portraying the role of H.G. Wells. No one else, I guess, could have been more fitting.” Added Lucero: “I mean, the guy was in The Boomtown Rats so, you know, he should be pretty good.” Geldof’s mystifying turn as the late 19th century science fiction author follows his recent, inexplicable role as a presenter at the J.D. Power Auto Awards show in March.