MOULTONBOROUGH, NH – Twenty-four years after seeing it in the theater in his early teens, Top Gun is still Vince Horning’s favorite movie, the 37-year old confirmed on Wednesday. While discussing movies and sharing a pitcher of beer with friends at Louie’s Taverna, Horning again expressed his undying love for the 1986 fighter pilot flick directed by Tony Scott. “Best movie, action or otherwise, of all time,” Horning replied to a friend’s query. “It’s definitive eighties, the story is, you know, pretty moving, but it’s still totally badass.” Fending off his peers’ criticism, Horning quickly attacked any other film not featuring F-14s, Tom Cruise, Val Kilmer, Anthony Edwards, Kelly MgGillis, Tom Skerritt, and a young Meg Ryan. “Die Hard is just a guy getting stuck in a building,” Horning insisted. “It’s like the beginning of all those trapped-in-one-place movies like Phone Booth or Panic Room. Lame. And Terminator 2? Terrrrrrible acting.” Horning’s lasting adoration of Top Gun is second only to his sustained affection for Phil Collins’ 1999 soundtrack to Disney’s Tarzan.

MADISON, WI – Susan Dahl, feminist blogger and regular contributor to The Daily Page, has a really complicated reason for liking “Sex and the City,” sources reported Friday. Asked to write an article about the upcoming release of the second SATC film, Dahl threw herself wholeheartedly into the complicated task of explaining why the HBO series is an undeniable success for feminism. “[SATC] is littered with progressive cultural signifiers, though they often lay buried under negative stereotypes,” Dahl wrote on her blog. “Critics deride Carrie for her empty materialism, altogether ignoring her celebration of a million shattered glass ceilings. Likewise, the common charge of promiscuity, leveled at nearly every character, is merely a puritanical pot shot aimed at the success of the pro-choice movement.” Yet many friends and colleagues close to Dahl remain skeptical of her reasoning. “Carrie Bradshaw as a feminist icon?” fellow writer Beth Tambor said. “Please. She could spent twice the time and money on women’s rights and pro-choice activism as she does on men, shoes, and her ego but she still wouldn’t be a role model.” Added Tambor: “I actually enjoy the show but let’s just call it what it is: an upper crust, soft-core shoe porn soap opera written by two gay men.”

CHESTERFIELD, VA – Republican challenger Scott Browneye was recently elected Massivetwoshits Senator, teenager Darryl Hinkler reported Wednesday. Fulfilling his CWA assignment to write a paragraph on a current world affair, Hinkler chose to report on the special erection to fill Edward Kennedy’s vacant Senate seat. “Browneye is best known for being a moderate Republican and a nude model for Cosmo in the eighties,” Hinkler wrote. “Browneye upset the Democratic nominee, Martha ‘Big’ Cockley, who was expected to easily win the Senate seat but didn’t.” Hinkler finished the short news update by surmising how this development may affect the ongoing health care mass-debate. Wednesday’s report was only the third CWA assignment Hinkler had successfully completed, following a “Teabaggers Take Over Washington” update in October and a “Northeast Gets Hit With Money Shot of Snow” report in January.

SMYRNA, DE – Local guy Martin Silver is the funniest guy he knows, the 27-year old video store clerk reported Wednesday. When not reportedly cracking up his fellow Blockbuster employees, Silver is reportedly cracking up friends, family, and complete strangers. “I guess I’m kind of a cut-up,” Silver said. “And I’m not being, like, an egotist or anything but, you know, I guess I’m probably the funniest guy I know. Like the other day, I was doing this Jay Leno impression for [fellow coworker] Sharla and she nearly choked on her soda. It was great.” According to Silver, he is best known for his slapstick, celebrity impersonations, and regular riffing on current events.  “I was over at my brother and sister-in-law’s house the other night and they were practically rolling on the floor when I was doing this interpretative dance thing. They said I had to leave before I woke the baby. It was great.”

PORTLAND, OR – Satirical news site The Pith Report (www.pithreport.com) is celebrating one year and 142 published stories on Tuesday. “What a long, bumpy ride it’s been,” Head Writer Joel Wayne told a chuckling crowd of employees, donors, and fans. “You might say we ‘faked it ’til we made it.’ And I’m sure some of you would say we’re still faking it! Hey-o!” Wayne invited anyone interested to join them today at their world headquarters in Portland on the corner of 23rd and Lovejoy from 10 – 8 for complimentary cake, balloons, and commemorative t-shirts to celebrate TPR’s one-year milestone. The first thousands attendees will also receive a coupon for one free game of laser tag at Laserport in Beaverton. “I’d really like to lift my glass and thank all of you – staff writers, editors, our webmasters, Bryan, Logan, and Eli, and especially our readers and our fans. You are our support and truly our inspiration for continuing this little adventure. Cheers.” Continued Wayne: “Everyone stick around and get something to eat and drink. El Gaucho is catering. And there will be dancing a little later in the afternoon.”

NAUGATUCK, CT – Local resident David Putney can “die happy now,” comforted by a lifetime-topping accomplishment of losing fifty-eight pounds at the age of forty-two. Putney, a single claims adjuster, reportedly began his weight loss journey/biggest lifetime accomplishment last January. “It’s amazing, you know?” a teary-eyed Putney said. “I feel like a whole new man, a whole new person. I’ve never done something this huge. My family is really proud of me. I can die happy now.” A perennial fly-on-the-wall, Putney never once earned high grades, volunteered for a charity, competed in a 5K footrace, finished college, won an award, wrote a poem, raised a child, built something with his own two hands nor matched other various achievements by friends, peers and family members. “We’re blown away,” said Putney’s mother Dorothy. “I saw him for the first time since last summer and…he’s really come full circle. Really grown up and accomplished something.” Putney reportedly plans to build upon his peak accomplishment by cutting back to one pack of cigarettes of a day.

CHELMSFORD, MA – A Bible vendor standing on the corner of Warren Avenue and 3rd Street is probably a freakin’ serial killer, local teenager Anthony “Tony” Schnerr reported Wednesday. Passing by the apparent member of Gideon International on his way to the Market Place Shopping Center, Schnerr relayed his run-in with the possible serial killer to his friends David “Wicky” Newark and Deb Hudson. “Did you guys see that guy with all those Bibles standing on the corner?” Schnerr said. “So fucking weird. I’ll bet that guy’s, like, a freakin’ serial killer or something. Shit.” Laughing and nodding, Newark and Hudson readily agreed with the unidentified Bible distributor’s designation as a person who murders for sexual or psychological gratification. “Totally,” Newark said. “He probably, like, sacrifices babies or some sick shit like that. What a weirdo.” The three entered the shopping center shortly thereafter, where they reportedly encountered six closeted homos, five perverts, two narcs, and one huge fag hag.

CHICKASHA, OK – Arletta Pahl showed her visiting, 32-year old nephew how to work their shower, it was reported Wednesday. After a quiet dinner and a collective viewing of CSI: Miami, nephew Jayson Pahl decided to ‘turn in for the night,’ prompting his aunt’s surprise lesson on how the guest bathroom shower functions. “It can be a little quirky,” Pahl informed her Harvard-graduate nephew. “You have to pull this stopper out to make the shower start.” Added Pahl: “If it doesn’t get hot enough right away, wait a minute and then twist the knob a little further to the left.” Before bidding her nephew goodnight, Pahl also asked if he needed an alarm set for any specific time. “If you use the one beside your bed, make sure to push the switch all the way to the left or it isn’t really set. And you might wanna check the volume because someone may have turned it down.” The younger Pahl reportedly thanked his aunt, slipped into his pajamas, and read an essay by Luis Borges before falling asleep.

EAGLE, ID – We interrupt our continuing coverage of the hostage situation at Rhobeson High to bring you a local sports update: the Boise State Broncos won tonight’s Tostito’s Fiesta Bowl 17 – 10 after capitalizing on three turnovers by an unbeaten Texas Christian University.  After both teams struggled to get their high-octane offenses into the game, a fake punt and pass play late in the fourth quarter by Kyle Brotzman yielded a 29-yard gain and set up a 2-yard touchdown run by Doug Martin. “A play here, a play there can turn the tide,” said Boise State coach Chris Petersen. “Our hat’s off to TCU. This game could have gone either way. We were fortunate to pull it out.” On the defensive side of the ball, cornerback Brandyn Thompson twice intercepted TCU’s Andy Dalton, returning the first for a 51-yard touchdown. We will return to coverage of the Rhobeson High School hostage crisis in a moment, after hearing from Chris Petersen in the post-game press conference.

HURON, SD – A perfect parity of high and lowbrow entertainment has been achieved by Dylan Coppage, sources close to the 29-year old reported Monday. Whether alternating canonical literature with TMZ.com or Jeff Buckley with The Jerky Boys, Coppage has become well-known for his heterogeneous tastes among friends and family. “I stopped over at his apartment the other day to return a book,” said friend Sylvia Mohrland, “and I noticed he had a copy of Lonesome Dove right next to one of those god-awful Anne Geddes photography books. You know, those freaky ones where she hangs sleeping babies in stockings from the ceiling?” Added Mohrland: “The thing is, I don’t think [Coppage] does it with any sense of irony. He just has really weird interests.” Coppage’s younger brother also noted his sibling’s divergent tastes. “I was looking through his DVD rack last Friday,” said Nathan Coppage, “and he has Kieslowski’s Decalogue sitting on top of Edward Penishands. I just can’t marry those two, you know?” Coppage further cemented his reputation of dissimilarity by purchasing a vinyl copy of Joni Mitchell’s Blue and season one of Flavor of Love on the same day.