The Pith Report » Local News

Man Surprised To Find Himself Looking Forward to “The Bachelorette”

joel — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 18:45:24 +0000

LAVALLETTE, NJ – Local nurse Craig Parma was surprised on Monday to find himself anxiously awaiting that evening’s episode of “The Bachelorette.” Stretching out on the sofa before the latest installment began, Parma realized for perhaps the first time how much he eagerly anticipated his Monday ritual of take-out pasta while watching the match-making reality show. “I’m kinda rooting for either Chris or Ty,” Parma recalled himself saying Monday morning to a female coworker. “They both seem like really genuine guys, and you gotta feel for Chris with him losing his mom, you know?” Shocked to hear the words tumble from his mouth, Parma added: “I’m glad Kasey left last week before the rose ceremony – I just think he was too dramatic for Ali.” The sudden realization dawned on Parma after canceling a golf game with friends so he could catch the long-running show. “Justin and Ali were never a good fit,” Parma said, inexplicably, to an inquiring supervisor. “I was surprised he made it to the final eight in week six.” Asked to comment on the recent revelation, Parma hung his head and mumbled something about needing a hobby.

Inanimate Object Berated

joel — Mon, 24 May 2010 19:37:07 +0000

READING, PA – A 13-year-old reclining chair was reportedly berated and tortured for twenty-five minutes by Harvey Whipple, sources reported Monday. Apparently frustrated by the inanimate object’s unwillingness to fully recline, the elder Whipple spent much of the morning hurling epithets and insults at the piece of furniture. “What the hell is wrong with you?” Whipple asked the non-sentient La-Z-Boy he purchased in 1997. “Seriously, if your lever doesn’t even go all the way down, how the hell am I supposed to lean back? Just… fucking… work.” Fetching his toolbox, the divorced father of three inspected the mechanics of the inorganic chair while mumbling torturous refrains into the dusty corduroy cushion. “You like this? Huh? You want me to beat the hell out of you like this?” Whipple’s latest squabble arrives just two days after his last argument with a lifeless object, when he mocked a dresser drawer for ten minutes.

Shirtless Guy Has Run Around the Park, Like, Eight Times

joel — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 04:22:04 +0000

CHELMSFORD, MA – An unidentified, shirtless man has run around Grace Park, like, eight times, local teenager Anthony “Tony” Schnerr reported Monday. Sitting in the park with friends David “Wicky” Newark and Deb Hudson, Schnerr pointed out the anonymous jogger after etching the word ‘shit’ into a picnic table. “Have you guys noticed this jogger guy?” Schnerr asked his small entourage. “He must be, like, training for a marathon or something. Seriously, eight times I’ve seen him go by.” Cackling in agreement, Newark and Hudson turned to watch the unidentified runner pass by a ninth time. “Dude, like, put a shirt on,” Newark said. “I’ll bet he gets off on stripping in public. He probably totally flashes school buses or something.” Following the seven minute discussion revolving around the jogger, the three meandered over to the duck pond where they encountered a rock shaped like a penis and a mallard that wouldn’t stop swimming like a retard.

School Officials Fear Teen Masturbator May Inspire Copycat Masturbators

joel — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 21:17:30 +0000

TOOELE, UT – After uncovering an “isolated masturbatory incident” on school property, officials at Tooele High School are worried the lascivious act may spawn copycat masturbators throughout the district. “The young man involved is getting help from family and mental health professionals,” said District Superintendent Ted Watanabe. “But we’re also trying to take preventative measures to guard against any copycat instances of…self abuse.” Watanabe revealed that comments threatening masturbation were found scrawled in several bathroom stalls throughout campus but did not say if any suspected onanists had been questioned. “We’re keeping our eyes peeled, obviously, but we need parents to be on their guard as well,” Watanabe said. “Long hours spent in the bathroom, calloused palms, balled-up gym socks tossed under the bed – these are all signs to be wary of.” The frightening episode of lewdness arrives just months after a wave of heavy petting swept through half the drama club on a trip to Salt Lake City.

Afternoon Nap Planned

joel — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 19:15:56 +0000

EDGAR, WI – In the midst of a particularly tiring trip to the recycling center, coffee shop, and grocery store, local senior Wayne Cutter, 74, made plans to take a nap when he returned home. “Boy,” Cutter said to himself as he walked down the cereal aisle, “I’ll tell ya – I’m just beat. I think I’ll head home after this and have myself a nice little nap on the daveno.” After purchasing $11.37 worth of grapefruit, raisins, buttermilk, oatmeal, and tin-roof-sundae flavored ice cream, the retired contractor reportedly left the store and slowly drove the twelve blocks home. “I don’t normally take naps during the week,” Cutter said as he shuffled from the carport to his front door. “Unless I’ve had trouble sleeping. But I usually sleep pretty well. Unless the wind really picks up.” Putting the groceries away, the widowed father of three sank into his recliner and removed one shoe before leaning back his head and dozing off, mumbling quietly to himself: “I gotta cut that tree down sometime.”

Woman To Match Up Only Two Gay People She Knows

joel — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 13:37:39 +0000

PULASKI, TN – 4th grade teacher Irene Olmstead is set to match up her only two homosexual acquaintances in the next two weeks, the 43-year old reported Wednesday. “I think Brian and Thom will really hit it off,” Olmstead told a coworker on Wednesday morning. “They’re both so nice and neat and…you know, kinda quirky and fun.” Olmstead first hatched her match-making plan after randomly meeting her second local homosexual in a neighborhood wine club. “I work with Brian, who is just…a delight,” Olmstead recently told a friend. “And after I met Thom I thought: ‘Hello!’ This is just perfect. I can’t think of two people more fitted for each other.” Olmstead intends to enact her scheme a week from Thursday by inviting her one homosexual coworker to join her and her other lone homosexual acquaintance at a weekly wine and book club meeting in a local bookstore. “I’m so excited,” Olmstead confessed. “If they end up hitting it off, just think, I’m gonna be the one who set up their first big meeting. I mean, what was the chance of them meeting without me?”

Dog to Wake Up Daddy

joel — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 02:46:26 +0000

HALFWAY, OR – According to sources within the Pugh household, the family dog is currently slated to wake up Daddy. Gathering her three children together outside her bedroom door early Friday morning, Suzanne Pugh held her finger to her lips and relayed her plan to the youngsters. “Let’s watch Buster wake up Daddy,” Suzanne said while holding a video camera in her left hand. “Shyla, open the door and flip on the light when I tell you.” Giggling, the children held onto their siblings for support and shushed each other several times before the planned wake-up was carried out. “This is gonna be so funny,” 8-year old Bryonna Pugh reported to her younger brother Wreath. “Daddy’s gonna be so mad. Shhhhh.” As of press time, Suzanne and her offspring had approached the eldest Pugh, sprinkled dog food next to his nose, and quietly ushered the dog into the room. “On the count of three, let Buster go,” Suzanne whispered to her children. “One, two…”

Artist’s Muse Now Hanging Around the House In Sweat Pants All Day

joel — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 19:14:46 +0000

BUTTE, MT – Upon losing his job at the credit union, Grant Coffey, the muse/live-in boyfriend of sculptor and painter Shaina Burns, now spends his days lounging around their apartment in sweat pants, it was reported Wednesday. Upon winning a regional art contest and gaining local notoriety in the fall of 2007, Burns once named Coffey as her “sole muse & inspiration” for much of her artwork during an interview with the Montana Standard. “Did you pick up another box of wine?” Burns’ afflatus asked when she returned from teaching an adult education class on watercolors. “We’re all out of wine. I thought we could have pasta tonight but I don’t wanna have pasta if we don’t have any wine to go with.” When not napping, drinking, or watching hours of television on end, Burns’ creative influence occasionally plays video games at a friend’s house before returning home in the early morning. “I’m just gonna run out and grab some Subway,” Burns’ muse said. “You got a couple bucks on you? I wanna get a footlong.” As of press time, Burns’ artistic stimulus was located at Blockbuster, debating between White Chicks and American Pie 2.

Troops Honored By Third-Rate Comic

joel — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 20:34:31 +0000

NIPOMO, CA – Appearing for the fifth time in as many months at the High Hat Comedy Club & Lounge, third-rate comedian Tyson Hearn took a moment during his routine to honor troops serving overseas. “Do we have any military men or women here tonight? Any active duty or retired?” Hearn asked a sparse crowd after a joke about drowning kittens. “Great. What branch are you in, man? Marine? That’s great. Folks, let’s give the Marine up front here a round of applause.” Before returning to his well-honed material on O.J. Simpson, famous lesbians, and pedophilia, Hearn went on to applaud all troops serving abroad, extolling their willingness to put themselves in harm’s way. “I never take for granted those willing to do that,” Hearn said. “Probably because I know I couldn’t. Shit, if someone aimed a gun at me, I’d probably piss my pants and blow my own nuts off.” Hearn finished his set with a pair of jokes about roofies, an impersonation of Muhammad Ali giving a blowjob, and some observational humor about “jail-bait.”

Shit Finally Gotten Together

joel — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 22:01:27 +0000

BARRE, VT – According to various sources, it appears you have finally started getting your shit together. After seven years of watching you gain weight, blow your paycheck on marijuana, develop a drinking problem, struggle through a divorce, and earn numerous reprimands for poor job performance, friends and family members seem to think you’ve cleaned up your act, adjusted your attitude, and finally taken care of all your shit. “God, I was really worried about you there for a while,” your brother recently told you over coffee. “After Terry left, I thought you were gonna self-destruct. But, you know, it’s really good to see you growing up and letting that shit go.” Other sources close to you have been pleasantly surprised to see you get your shit in check, as evidenced by your recent promotion, your sudden willingness to date, and your goal to compete in an upcoming 15K. “You look great,” said your friend Marci Studebaker after bumping into you at Target, “I’m glad you put all that shit behind you. We should have lunch sometime.” After recently emerging from your self-imposed exile and displaying your shit-free life to family and friends, you reportedly returned home to continue nursing your newly-developed eating disorder.