COVENTRY, UK – In a carefully timed press conference following a massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, BP officials revealed Monday they are anxious to move forward with plans to fuck up other large bodies of water. “In our continued pursuit of expensive, non-replenishable fuels, we’re eager to proceed with the widespread destruction of ecosystems,” said BP official Nathaniel Hoegarth, “in addition to the systematic fucking over of seas, oceans, lakes, rivers, and swamplands.”  The announcement arrives only days after the global oil corporation enacted a controversial plan to drill beneath the Gulf of Mexico and haphazardly release millions of gallons of oil into the Pacific Ocean. “We’ve just been informed the oil slick in the Gulf is about 140 miles long by 80 miles wide,” Hoegarth said when pressed for details. “What can we say? Everything is going exactly as planned.” Officials at BP later released a statement relaying early reports of struggling marine life in the area of the slick, calling the sighting of oil-soaked otters  “lovely news.”