TOOELE, UT – After uncovering an “isolated masturbatory incident” on school property, officials at Tooele High School are worried the lascivious act may spawn copycat masturbators throughout the district. “The young man involved is getting help from family and mental health professionals,” said District Superintendent Ted Watanabe. “But we’re also trying to take preventative measures to guard against any copycat instances of…self abuse.” Watanabe revealed that comments threatening masturbation were found scrawled in several bathroom stalls throughout campus but did not say if any suspected onanists had been questioned. “We’re keeping our eyes peeled, obviously, but we need parents to be on their guard as well,” Watanabe said. “Long hours spent in the bathroom, calloused palms, balled-up gym socks tossed under the bed – these are all signs to be wary of.” The frightening episode of lewdness arrives just months after a wave of heavy petting swept through half the drama club on a trip to Salt Lake City.