VIRGINIA BEACH, FL – Speaking Friday on his daily talk show, The 700 Club, evangelist Pat Robertson stated he is “really surprised [Venezuelan President] Hugo Chávez hasn’t been turned into a pillar of salt by now.” Known for his controversial stances, Robertson once suggested the United States assassinate Chávez, though he stopped short of calling for Biblical retribution akin to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. “I don’t get it,” Robertson mumbled while scratching his head, “I’ve prayed and prayed for it to happen and, you know, nothin’ doing.” Added Robertson: “What does a guy gotta do to get another guy turned into a pillar of salt these days?” No stranger to suspect causes, Robertson has in the past linked feminism to filicide, Hindus to demons, and Presbyterians to the Antichrist. “Maybe I’m not praying for the right type of smiting,” Robertson mused. “Maybe I should start praying for him [Chávez] to be attacked by a swarm of locusts or simply swallowed up by the earth. Or maybe he could be suddenly inflicted by insanity and just kill himself. Hm. That’s a thought.”