NEW YORK, NY – I don’t know why everyone gets so fussy over a book. People are always fussy over books. But they don’t like to be called fussy. Every time some author writes a crumby book, people think they can identify with the goddamn character. Identify. That kills me. There was this one girl I knew – Wanda Miller – I used to play croquet with her in her parents’ backyard in the summertime. Old Wanda was pretty but she wasn’t too pretty. We didn’t ever get sexy with each other or anything. Anyway, it was hot as a bastard one day and we were sitting and drinking lemonade on the porch and she read me this part of a book about some old woman who was stuck in the goddamn desert or something. Then she just started crying, out of the clear blue. I didn’t know what to do so I sort of pressed her hands into my chest. Just to comfort her. I was half in love with her to tell you the truth. But she kept crying and blubbering about the woman in the book and the author, who had gotten himself killed or some goddamn thing. People always get themselves killed. It makes me wanna jump out a window. I probably would to, if a bunch of phonies hadn’t already done it. I probably shouldn’t say that. Sometimes I say too much. Don’t ever say anything to anybody. It just ruins everything.

SMYRNA, DE – Local guy Martin Silver is the funniest guy he knows, the 27-year old video store clerk reported Wednesday. When not reportedly cracking up his fellow Blockbuster employees, Silver is reportedly cracking up friends, family, and complete strangers. “I guess I’m kind of a cut-up,” Silver said. “And I’m not being, like, an egotist or anything but, you know, I guess I’m probably the funniest guy I know. Like the other day, I was doing this Jay Leno impression for [fellow coworker] Sharla and she nearly choked on her soda. It was great.” According to Silver, he is best known for his slapstick, celebrity impersonations, and regular riffing on current events.  “I was over at my brother and sister-in-law’s house the other night and they were practically rolling on the floor when I was doing this interpretative dance thing. They said I had to leave before I woke the baby. It was great.”

PORTLAND, OR – Satirical news site The Pith Report (www.pithreport.com) is celebrating one year and 142 published stories on Tuesday. “What a long, bumpy ride it’s been,” Head Writer Joel Wayne told a chuckling crowd of employees, donors, and fans. “You might say we ‘faked it ’til we made it.’ And I’m sure some of you would say we’re still faking it! Hey-o!” Wayne invited anyone interested to join them today at their world headquarters in Portland on the corner of 23rd and Lovejoy from 10 – 8 for complimentary cake, balloons, and commemorative t-shirts to celebrate TPR’s one-year milestone. The first thousands attendees will also receive a coupon for one free game of laser tag at Laserport in Beaverton. “I’d really like to lift my glass and thank all of you – staff writers, editors, our webmasters, Bryan, Logan, and Eli, and especially our readers and our fans. You are our support and truly our inspiration for continuing this little adventure. Cheers.” Continued Wayne: “Everyone stick around and get something to eat and drink. El Gaucho is catering. And there will be dancing a little later in the afternoon.”

WASHINGTON D.C. – Despite the unexpected setback of losing Ted Kennedy’s vacant Massachusetts’ Senate seat to Republican challenger Scott Brown, Democratic leaders in Congress have promised a return to party infighting and mediocrity. “Are we concerned about closely contested elections? Are we worried about maintaining a Democratic majority? Of course,” said Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin. “We need to get back to basics – the moment we lose our unfailing internal strife and foreseeable inability to pass key legislation is the moment we lose our party identity.” Yet while midterm elections loom ominously on the horizon, some Democratic legislators worry about losing their own seats. “It’s at the forefront of everyone’s mind, obviously,” said Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill. “[But] we can’t expect to keep a majority unless we return to our roots: band together for the elections, succeed, and then promptly fight like wolves over the dead mule deer carcass known as health care.”

NAUGATUCK, CT – Local resident David Putney can “die happy now,” comforted by a lifetime-topping accomplishment of losing fifty-eight pounds at the age of forty-two. Putney, a single claims adjuster, reportedly began his weight loss journey/biggest lifetime accomplishment last January. “It’s amazing, you know?” a teary-eyed Putney said. “I feel like a whole new man, a whole new person. I’ve never done something this huge. My family is really proud of me. I can die happy now.” A perennial fly-on-the-wall, Putney never once earned high grades, volunteered for a charity, competed in a 5K footrace, finished college, won an award, wrote a poem, raised a child, built something with his own two hands nor matched other various achievements by friends, peers and family members. “We’re blown away,” said Putney’s mother Dorothy. “I saw him for the first time since last summer and…he’s really come full circle. Really grown up and accomplished something.” Putney reportedly plans to build upon his peak accomplishment by cutting back to one pack of cigarettes of a day.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Responding to a recent story about Fox News commentator Sarah Palin, anonymous forum poster “gerhart4heis” slammed the former Alaska governor and called the network to task with a series of astute and piercing arguments. “Sarah ‘Caribou Barbie’ Palin in 2012? Puh-leeze,” the pseudonym-using poster cleverly wrote. “If her ‘stint’ as a Faux Noise commentater [sic] does anything but further damange [sic] her already suspect ‘reputation,’ I’ll send my next paycheck to Pat Robertson.” The anonymous forum poster, who has also reportedly offered similar dissections on stories about Susan Boyle, the Notre Dame football program, and Jersey Shore, concluded his incisive comments by accusing the top three network of conservative bias. “Palin belongs on such a channel – Anyone who believes Fix News is anything other than a podium for frothing, backwards conservativism [sic] is as deluded as Glenn Beck is overweight. The Fox Opinion Channel got exactly what they paid for = a village idiot.”

VIRGINIA BEACH, FL – Speaking Friday on his daily talk show, The 700 Club, evangelist Pat Robertson stated he is “really surprised [Venezuelan President] Hugo Chávez hasn’t been turned into a pillar of salt by now.” Known for his controversial stances, Robertson once suggested the United States assassinate Chávez, though he stopped short of calling for Biblical retribution akin to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. “I don’t get it,” Robertson mumbled while scratching his head, “I’ve prayed and prayed for it to happen and, you know, nothin’ doing.” Added Robertson: “What does a guy gotta do to get another guy turned into a pillar of salt these days?” No stranger to suspect causes, Robertson has in the past linked feminism to filicide, Hindus to demons, and Presbyterians to the Antichrist. “Maybe I’m not praying for the right type of smiting,” Robertson mused. “Maybe I should start praying for him [Chávez] to be attacked by a swarm of locusts or simply swallowed up by the earth. Or maybe he could be suddenly inflicted by insanity and just kill himself. Hm. That’s a thought.”

CHELMSFORD, MA – A Bible vendor standing on the corner of Warren Avenue and 3rd Street is probably a freakin’ serial killer, local teenager Anthony “Tony” Schnerr reported Wednesday. Passing by the apparent member of Gideon International on his way to the Market Place Shopping Center, Schnerr relayed his run-in with the possible serial killer to his friends David “Wicky” Newark and Deb Hudson. “Did you guys see that guy with all those Bibles standing on the corner?” Schnerr said. “So fucking weird. I’ll bet that guy’s, like, a freakin’ serial killer or something. Shit.” Laughing and nodding, Newark and Hudson readily agreed with the unidentified Bible distributor’s designation as a person who murders for sexual or psychological gratification. “Totally,” Newark said. “He probably, like, sacrifices babies or some sick shit like that. What a weirdo.” The three entered the shopping center shortly thereafter, where they reportedly encountered six closeted homos, five perverts, two narcs, and one huge fag hag.

NEW YORK, NY – Ending years of speculation, rumors, and denial, an emotional and contrite Sarah Palin admitted Monday to using steroids during the 2006 Alaska gubernatorial campaign. “I knew this day was going to come. I didn’t know when,” Palin told reporters. “I wish I had never touched steroids. It was foolish and it was a mistake…I just wish I was never in that era.” The admission arrives nearly two years after her testimony to a grand jury on steroid use in the gubernatorial arena, where she famously proclaimed: “I am not here to talk about the past.” Asked about her place in the Alaska history books, Palin defended her political record. “This has nothing to do with the Hall of Fame,” she said. “This has to do with me coming clean, getting it off my chest.” The startling confession overshadowed slugger Mark McGwire’s surprise announcement earlier today that he had signed a deal with Fox News to become a television commentator in the coming year.

TEMECULA, CA – From big box chains to so-called mom & pop stores, retailers are swooning as sales of worthless shit exceeded end-of-the-year projections. “Retailers are the first to take the hit during a recession,” said national economy analyst Dawn Silverman, “so it’s a hopeful sign when we witness higher-than-projected sales of useless crap and worthless shit. We’re not back into the black…but we’re getting there.” Retailers have been quick to broadcast the news, hoping to lure wary shoppers. “Meaningless junk and pointless tripe really flew off the shelves over the holiday season, which was better than we anticipated in this downturn,” said Target Communications Director Ed Carrell. “An upturn in sales of needless waste, which have still been lagging, would really brighten the New Year.” Economists have also touted an upswing in pool-house renovation and private golf course construction as another sign of the recession’s withdrawal.