OTTUMWA, IA – According to various sources, someone other than you is probably having stunning, mind-blowing, eyes-rolling-into-the-back-of-their-head sex right now. Though personally unable to reach the same state of perfect physical nirvana, you are nevertheless pretty sure someone else, somewhere else, is doing that exact thing right now. “I just know someone is out there right now, having sex with someone extremely attractive and good at sex,” you reportedly said to yourself. “Experiencing sensations I’ve never felt, having stronger and longer orgasms than I’ve ever known.” Lost in a daydream of fantastic sexual intimacy you aren’t actually having, you find yourself growing distant from the real, flesh-and-blood friends and relatives who are a part of your life. Nevertheless, the disquieting fact remains: You are absolutely sure someone other than you is totally having face-melting, blood-boiling, nails-digging-into-their-back sex right now. “How can I not think about it?” you reportedly asked yourself. “It’s just impossible not to dwell on the earth-shaking sex that someone else must be experiencing this very instant.” Your persistent and uneasy thought is akin to a similar experience yesterday, when you were positive that someone, somewhere, owed you something you didn’t have but desperately wanted.