PIZZAZZ, IL – Beyond the inclusion of on-site laundry facilities and a guaranteed parking space, tenant Joe McDonald was pleasantly surprised to discover his new apartment also includes wall-to-fucking-wall carpet. “Are you fucking kidding me?!” asked a visibly incredulous McDonald. “Wall! To! Fucking! Wall! Carpet! Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Rodeo Drive!” Upon hearing his new apartment complex also includes a 24-hour gym facility and off-site parking, McDonald reportedly dropped to the floor and did several push-ups before recovering. “Hell-fucking-o! Wall-to-fucking-wall-carpet, off-fucking-site parking, AND a fucking 24-hour gym? I’ve died and gone to Amsterdam!” As of press time, McDonald hadn’t yet been told of the $75-a-fucking-month-garage-rentals, which was likely to throw him into a jogging-in-place fit.