MONTPELIER, VT – Momentarily halting their traditional, 24-hour pillaging, Black Friday crowds across the nation observed a moment of silence at the noon hour to honor the memories of heroes trampled earlier in the day. Among others, stores such as Sears, Best Buy, Target, and Toys-R-Us read the names of the thirty-four fallen heroes, stopping to update shoppers on another death in Winslow, Arizona before continuing. “It’s a way for us to remember those who bravely fought and died for their families’ extensive Christmas lists,” said Assistant Store Manager Brett Matsui. “If we can’t do that, then we’ve really lost sight of what’s important.” Many shoppers agreed. “I think it’s great,” said Wal-Mart customer Janeane Corwin, while cutting off an elderly man with her shopping cart. “It’s just the right thing to do.” Added Corwin: “Plus, it gave me the chance to angle into the toy section.” Still, others offered opposing views. “If people wanna honor those folks who died, that’s fine,” said REI customer Jason Ashley, “but, as they say, there is a time for everything and this is the time for shopping. It’s kill or be killed out here.”

SPOKANE, WA – Alerted to a flagrant dress code violation by one of his sales staff, Old Navy shift manager Mitch Shandley nonetheless gave the offending article of clothing a passing grade. Observing from behind an end-cap while the dress code outlaw – 19-year-old Samantha Heel – hung polos and sweathshirts, Shandley deemed the outfit ‘nothing worth being sent home over.’ “Jessica, our lead cashier, called me into the office and mentioned a possible dress code infraction,” Shandley said. “But after I went and had a good look at what [Heel] was wearing, I don’t think it warrants any further action.” Nevertheless, Shandley continued to closely observe Heel’s mini-skirt, which appeared to be about six inches short of the required length. “I always encourage my employees to approach me with questions or concerns,” Shandley said, “so I’m glad Jessica brought it to my attention.” The 42-year-old shift manager later asked Heel to replace overhead light bulbs in the the stockroom while he held the ladder. Explained Shandley: “I’ve got a bad knee.”

NEW YORK, NY – A new poll released Tuesday by the New York Times reveals a nation divided on how best to spread invective political rhetoric. The poll arrives on the heels of at least six other polls showing sharp divisions on the most effective way to disseminated polarizing comments and opinions. 42% of respondents in the NY Times poll reported using Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, or other social networking sites, 39% utilize newspaper editorials, emails, and calls into talk radio, and 19% use unspecified methods to spread misinformation, political rhetoric, and outright words of hostility and contempt.  “The numbers are most intriguing because they don’t follow party lines,” said Darrell M. West, director of governance studies at the Brookings Institution. “Whether it’s someone posting ‘the House just voted to f**k us all’ or ‘GOP = party of gun-toting, cry baby, homophobes’ there is an equality on sites like Facebook and Twitter.” Added West: “The real division is in people’s methods of spreading that animosity. From political rallies to Unitarian church bazaars, we’re seeing the same disparity.” Politicians are struggling to make sense of the NY Times poll and a different poll by NBC which shows a nation divided over the protocol of burning political effigies.

PIZZAZZ, IL – Beyond the inclusion of on-site laundry facilities and a guaranteed parking space, tenant Joe McDonald was pleasantly surprised to discover his new apartment also includes wall-to-fucking-wall carpet. “Are you fucking kidding me?!” asked a visibly incredulous McDonald. “Wall! To! Fucking! Wall! Carpet! Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Rodeo Drive!” Upon hearing his new apartment complex also includes a 24-hour gym facility and off-site parking, McDonald reportedly dropped to the floor and did several push-ups before recovering. “Hell-fucking-o! Wall-to-fucking-wall-carpet, off-fucking-site parking, AND a fucking 24-hour gym? I’ve died and gone to Amsterdam!” As of press time, McDonald hadn’t yet been told of the $75-a-fucking-month-garage-rentals, which was likely to throw him into a jogging-in-place fit.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Much to the movie-going public’s surprise, Sandra Bullock’s most recent romantic comedy, The Proposal, is actually kinda funny, viewers reported Tuesday. Aided by handsome and quirky costar Ryan Reynolds, the latest Bullock vehicle caught critics and producers off guard by endearing itself, relatively speaking, to the shrinking masses of theater goers. “I only agreed to go with my girlfriend because Ryan Reynolds was in it – I liked him in X-Men: Origins,” said ticket buyer Sean Wasserman. “But it was pretty funny, I guess. I mean, in parts.” Added Wasserman: “Bullock is just so smug. And she’s not even that hot!” Other movie goers seconded Wasserman’s judgement. “It had more good parts than bad, I suppose,” said Akron resident Susan Peony. “[Bullock] wasn’t as annoying as she usually is. Plus, Ryan Reynolds = eye candy! And he’s so funny.” Yet even with the sudden turnaround, film lovers were skeptical about Bullock’s upcoming film, The Blindside, a biopic about Baltimore Ravens offensive lineman Michael Oher. “It looks like she’s trying to go all Erin Brockovich or something,” Wasserman grumbled. “But unless Jason Segel or Paul Rudd is in it, you can count me out.”